The other day I went to the doctor for my annual pap smear. I got the schock of my life. My daughter is currently 20 months and during that time I have managed to gain 50 pounds. I was so depressed and upset. I knew I had gained weight but I din't think it had been that much, or it could be that I was in denial or a little of both I suppose. Bottom line though is that my weight is way out of control.
I started to think about how simple things like tying my shoes or getting on my socks is a difficult job now. How out of breath I get doing simply things like tying my shoes. I am always tired. Which was partly do to having a baby again, but not all of it came from that. It comes from carry all of this extra weight around.
Maybe I am blessed or cursed. For the moment I do not have health issues that morbid obsese people usually have. My blood pressure is great, no diabetes, etc. Blessed because I have my health cursed because I don't have a understanding of the dangers of being overweight since my health is still good. However, I'm no fool and know that sooner or later it is going to catch up with me. And honestly I don't want to get to that point. Do I really want to enter my 40's in a couple of years this over weight or even more over weight? Not really.
So, I have this self-pity party that I normally do when I get depressed. This is the heaviest that I have been in my entire life. I have two beautiful girls that I want to see grow-up and see any grandchildren that I may have someday in the furture. What the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I want to lose the weight? Why don't I have the drive and determination to lose weight? What can't I do this if not for me how about for my girls? Do I have to stoke out or nearly die to make the changes in my life?
Honestly, I really truly have a lot to live for, but you wouldn't know that by the way I eat. Sometimes I think that I am slowly killing myself with food in away. Not that I want to die, but I am addicted to food and the hard part is that I have to continue to eat in order to live, so it's not like I can stop eating. No, I have to learn how to eat healthy and relieve my stress in a more healthy manner.
But how is the question. It has to be a way that is going to work for me.....and more importantly I am going to have to want it and I mean really really truly want it.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
What the hell happened...
There use to be a time when I was somewhat fit. Where I had no problem walking long distances. Now however, as a mother of two I'm lucky I can walk from my car through the parking lot to my daughter's campus without getting all huffy and puffy in the process.
Once upon a time I didn't have a car, didn't have a need for one so I rode the bus and/or walked to work or to the bus stop to get to work, this was a good 40-60 min walk up and down hills, so it was excerise. So, even though I wasn't skinny or thin I was in walking shape, but over weight, however not quite obeses yet. When I got pregnant with my first child I was still walking a lot since I was holding off buying a car until I absolultey needed one. Well, then the bus company went on strike and kinda of forced the issue of me getting a car probably a couple of months ahead of time. Once I had a car it went all down hill from there. Since I wasn't forced to walk every where or in town to get the bus I needed I started to get very little exercise.
I would try to exercise. At one time I had started walking during my lunch and try other things. However, I was hovering around 200 pounds and not a happy camper, but not really doing anything about it. My weight would go up and down but would also hover around 200.
So, time goes by and I become victim to the ression and lose my job. Good news was I had time to exercise again and bad news is that I should have spent more time exercising in between job assignments since I got pregnant for a second time during this time. Which came as a great but unexpected surprise. Since I was a bit older and heavier with my second child, I ended up with gestational diatbetes towards the end of my pregnancy. So, I had to really adjust my diet, very little carbs and very little fruit since my blood sugar would spike, but I wanted a health baby, and that was my motativation for me. I lost a ton of weight since I was eating mostly just potein I felt like I was on the Akins diet.
I gave birth and weighed less then I had when I got pregnant. Unfortunately, that didn't lost long at all. Shortly after I gave birth I was trying on clothes and was surprised and depressed by how much the sizes had changed yet again. Especially consider I had lost a good 20-30 pounds. It showed in tops but in bottoms it was like I never lost. But then again sizes are so wackado any way, it wasn't something that I normally go by but it was still depressing though and a reminder of how much weight I was still carrying around.
I would say about after four months of giving birth I started working full-time again. I wasn't ready for that by a long shot. Being a mom of two kids is a full time job and then some, but to add a full time job on top of that was raising my stress level by 100 fold. My weight was out of control. I just didn't realize or want to realize just out of control it truly was.....
Once upon a time I didn't have a car, didn't have a need for one so I rode the bus and/or walked to work or to the bus stop to get to work, this was a good 40-60 min walk up and down hills, so it was excerise. So, even though I wasn't skinny or thin I was in walking shape, but over weight, however not quite obeses yet. When I got pregnant with my first child I was still walking a lot since I was holding off buying a car until I absolultey needed one. Well, then the bus company went on strike and kinda of forced the issue of me getting a car probably a couple of months ahead of time. Once I had a car it went all down hill from there. Since I wasn't forced to walk every where or in town to get the bus I needed I started to get very little exercise.
I would try to exercise. At one time I had started walking during my lunch and try other things. However, I was hovering around 200 pounds and not a happy camper, but not really doing anything about it. My weight would go up and down but would also hover around 200.
So, time goes by and I become victim to the ression and lose my job. Good news was I had time to exercise again and bad news is that I should have spent more time exercising in between job assignments since I got pregnant for a second time during this time. Which came as a great but unexpected surprise. Since I was a bit older and heavier with my second child, I ended up with gestational diatbetes towards the end of my pregnancy. So, I had to really adjust my diet, very little carbs and very little fruit since my blood sugar would spike, but I wanted a health baby, and that was my motativation for me. I lost a ton of weight since I was eating mostly just potein I felt like I was on the Akins diet.
I gave birth and weighed less then I had when I got pregnant. Unfortunately, that didn't lost long at all. Shortly after I gave birth I was trying on clothes and was surprised and depressed by how much the sizes had changed yet again. Especially consider I had lost a good 20-30 pounds. It showed in tops but in bottoms it was like I never lost. But then again sizes are so wackado any way, it wasn't something that I normally go by but it was still depressing though and a reminder of how much weight I was still carrying around.
I would say about after four months of giving birth I started working full-time again. I wasn't ready for that by a long shot. Being a mom of two kids is a full time job and then some, but to add a full time job on top of that was raising my stress level by 100 fold. My weight was out of control. I just didn't realize or want to realize just out of control it truly was.....
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